How to Dress like a Melbournian
Street Style in Melbourne – It’s back to black
They say Melbournian style is all about looking as though you ran through a charity shop wearing velcro and came out the other end giving zero fucks. And by they, I mean – me.
You know those days when you’ve gone to bed with your make-up still on and your hair tied up cause you’re a lazy piece of shit? Only to awaken with a dewy, smudged, smoking hot look and meticulous boho hair? No? Me neither. Which is why, although Melbournian style is beautiful in it’s simplicity, it’s pretty tricky to master. Think no make-up make-up. (I don’t even know what means) Think a diet of green juice, a regulated daily dose of Vitamin D and a high disposable income. Still not with me? Think Body art. Delicate Jewellery. Top knots. And always, always, ALWAYS an assortment of Black. It’s like you turned 18 and thought – fuck this shit – but you’re also a massive hipster so you bought a tote bag with a political message and stuck to the right side of the law.
I have to give it to Melbournians. They’re freaking beautiful. And like srsly black in 40 degree heat? It’s like their clothing are solar panels. Storing up the sun’s energy in the hot weather to warm their bones as soon as the temperature drops to 20. Which it does in the space of a few hours. The weather man *rolls eyes* SO premenstrual. Am I riiight?
And Melbournians savour their unique pieces. They opt for independent or Australian brands over large chains. It’s no wonder charity shops in Australia are called opportunity shops – Op Shops. You’re not a charity man, you’re an opportun-ity.
And oh BOY! So many opportunities to buy things you didn’t even know you needed. A cashmere cardigan with embellished buttons? HELLA YES. A sequin jumper? HOW DO I GET YOU ALONE. A see-through lilac blouse? I’LL NEVER LOOK BACK. The opportunities are endless and who CARES that it’s an average of 35 degrees outside. How can you think about such practicalities when faced with an opportunity of a lifetime. I like to think it was around this time that Duran2 and I started to say ‘Oh Honey YES’ to each other – a LOT.
Before Duran2 and I left for our east coast road trip – we bought everything we needed from op-shops. I bought a variety of old lady jumpers including my Sequin Jumper which I had to (haha HAD to) carry in my stuffed backpack across the Phillipines because I couldn’t bear to part with it. I recently let my friend wear it out and it ‘went missing’. Here, we commenced a full blown search party which eventually ended in it’s appearance stashed behind my washing machine. 2 hours later, I still had to chase after her as she left my house wearing it. Er come BACK here young lady.
THE sequin jumper. You can look but you can’t touch.
I think it’s safe to assume I have a thing for stripes. Because of which – I have spent a lot of time looking at oliveclothing.com this week. I suggest you do too.
If this post had a backing soundtrack it would be: ‘Don’t take it Personal (Just one of Dem Days)’ ‘ by Monica. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this song, it goes something like this: ‘It’s just one of dem dayz, That a girl goes through, When I’m angry inside, Don’t want to take it out on you’ quite a few times in a havon of melodic notes. Actually if you aren’t familiar with this song then educate yourself.
And boy sometimes I do get one of dem dayz, you know…that a girl goes through. I mean the song is a bit cryptic but I imagine it’s like one of dem dayz you wish you hadn’t overindulged on leafy greens. Or you’re not 100% sure you turned your GHD’s off but you’ve walked too far to go back and check. Or maybe more commonly, you’ve come to find you’ve waxed your moustache the wrong way.
If it’s the formers then unfortunately you’re on your own but for those of the latter who have replaced their fuzzy moustache with a rather noticeable scab you’re in luck. Did any of you’s used to read those tween magazines that would offer helpful advice on how to get through one of dem particular dayz? Particular dayz being when you are in dire need of concealing a large percentage of your face. It would be advice along the lines of stuff like; cut yourself a 6 inch fringe, buy a paper Chinese fan, pretend you thought it was Halloween fancy dress and go as one of those bedsheet ghosts. Or my personal fave – get yourself a black eyeliner and turn that troublesome spot(s) into a beauty spot(s) more commonly known as a mole(s). “Er babe, I think there’s something on your face”.
Topshop recently released a ‘freckle pen‘ in which users are invited to pencil on their own freckles under which I’m sure one could hide a whole host of buttery fingered mishaps. One particularly peeved customer commented on how disappointed they were these freckles were easily smudged. Yeah dummy, you’re just putting a bit of pencil on your face. This quickly reminds me that at Bestival my brother, my friend Maddy and I, PVC’d gold leaf to our faces and some wise guy said: ‘Why didn’t you just use Vaseline?’. Well you’re TOO LATE buddy.
So in an attempt to help my fellow (wo)man the next time you’re dealing with a face intervention, I’ve come up with a fool proof tip. It’s much like fringe face, fan face and ghost face but arguably much much better. This is called Long Face – in which you get your longboard, or buy a longboard if you’re not in the know enough to have one already – zzZ – and place it discreetly across your face as exampled by yours truly. If you have a particularly long longboard or are worried that people might catch on that you’re holding your board across your face then simply draw on a smiley mouth roughly around where you think your mouth might be and voilà. If you’re still not convinced then maybe not a smiley mouth, maybe just a regular mouth or WHATEVER I don’t care. You know your normal mouth better than I do.
Photos by Joe Duran