How to – Get Through a Break Up in 5 easy Steps

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How to – Get Through a Break Up in 5 easy Steps

Introducing you to Heartbreak Hotel where the drinks are cheap and the men are cheaper.


Hello friend. Firstly, my condolences to you. I ASSUME if you are reading this then you have recently been on the receiving end of being d.u.m.p DUMPED. Was capital letters too much? Sorry d.u.m.p – D’d.

Poor you. I feel ya. Being d.u.m.p D’d is a real bummer. I’ll give you a brief moment to wallow in self pity and then I’m going to tell you to start your timer because for the next two days, you’re allowed to do whatever the eff you want. Leave painful voice messages. Lie face down in a variety of cushioned objects. Cry in the ladies toilets. Even better – cry in the MENS toilets (everyone loves an aubergine). Then, once your two days are up, you’ve got to suck it the eff up people.

I’ve been there. I’ve cried on strangers in the toilet. ALOT. I’ve been escorted home. I’ve marched myself in and then immediately out of places I knew I shouldn’t be. I’ve drunk all the drinks. All of them. Every single one. And then after 2 days MAX, I’ve sucked it the eff up. And so should you. And I’ll tell you for why:

Firstly – don’t be that guy that is still in love with their ex 1,2,3,4 years later (and trust me, unless you get a hold of your damn self it will spiral into the years). Lord knows I’ve been that guy before. I’ve made all the mistakes. I’ve taken my market research for you guys very seriously. I look back at my entire time at uni when I was making myself too miserable to notice the amount of D I could of had. So. Many. D’s. I’ve also dated that guy SO MANY TIMES. It’s pathetic. Sorry. I’m saying it. Save me the self indulgence that goes along the lines of ‘you don’t know them the way I know them’ and ‘can’t fight a love like ours’. zzZ. No one can help you if you don’t want to help yourself and truly believing those things is going to give you 1-4 years of going nowhere emotionally. So every time you start thinking those types of thoughts, just tell yourself to shut the eff up and move on. You really think NOONE has a love can’t fight like yours? Really? If this is your first ‘real’ break up…you’ve gotta just take my word for it that you will find someone you like a whole lot more. I’ve done the ground work for ya babes. You’re welcome.

Secondly – I like to think of being d.u.m.p D’d as being let out of prison. All jokes aside about relationships being like a jail sentence ho ho ho, being dumped is like being granted early release whether you’re ready for it or not. Maybe, you really liked prison. Maybe, you made a load of friends and started a small hooch business that really gave you a sense of purpose. Maybe, you got into a solid routine and finally managed to get a hot bod, so when the time came for you to leave, you really weren’t bloody ready for it. HOWEVER, in spite of how much you were enjoying yourself, we all know you’d be a FOOL to hang on to what you had on the inside. Prison doesn’t want you mate. Prison ain’t the place for you. Prison is LAME. So as shit as it might feel starting from scratch again – you’d be a total moron to keep re-offending just so you could stay within your safe little prison.

So step one in ‘How to get through a break up’ is:


  1. Assign yourself a break-up buddy.

I’d like to point out that this person ain’t gonna be yo slave as such, but this person is going to have to put up with your shit for the next 1-2 months. So, your friendship has to be pretty tight because at some points you’re probably going to act like an arsehole. They are also going to have to be someone who’s opinion you respect because, unfortunately for you, you’re assigning them the great task of making your decisions for you whether you like it or not. Pick someone who really has their shit together. No blind leading the blind and all that. I’m serious. You have to listen to their advice and then do as they say even if you don’t feel like it. You were dumb enough to fall for someone who D’d you. So now your opinion counts for nothing. Also, we all know that if given the opportunity to run back into bed with your ex, even when they’re telling you to your FACE that you’re “just friends right?”, that you probably will. You’re a dumb bitch. Hand in your wallet and your phone and strap yourself in for a bumpy ride.

Here, I’d like to introduce  you to my own personal Break Up Buddy otherwise known as – Jess. Otherwise known as – WWJD. Otherwise known as – What Would Jess Do. Otherwise known as – ‘New Number who dis, I can’t even remember your name, this is embarrassing, are you sure we ever slept together?’

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WWJD standing infront of a selection of self portrait postcards

Has Jess experienced a love like ours? Yes. But when Jess has been D’d she has already gotten her affairs in order, so that by the time those dumb boiz have come running back (and they always do believe me), instead of being like YES of COURSE let’s get back together, she’s like ‘ew I can’t believe we ever dated. Are you sure that happened? HA. HA. HA. Really?? I must have been DRUNK. Or on a HIGH dosage of codeine because SRSLY no. Like WOW – no. But while you’re here I’d like to introduce you to my new babe of a boyfriend’.

Does WWJD moving on so quickly mean the love she feels for someone is less than the one you’re experiencing? Nope. However, there is one thing that Jess loves more than the person she’s dating and that’s herself. WWJD knows who she is. And because Jess knows who she is, she knows what she wants. She also skips over all the self-loathing crap which leads me to my next step.

2. It’s not you, it’s them.

Well, it might be you a bit. Actually, it’s mostly you – a lot. If that’s something that bothers you, rejection and that, then it’s time to get on team you. Everyone faces rejection, even total babes like myself ho ho HOE get D’d. Take all those unhelpful thoughts – Why? What did I do? What didn’t I do? Is it me? Am I too this or too that? etc etc. Gather those pesky little thoughts and put them into a tiny little box in your mind. Then, as my beautiful friend Jo (sister to WWJD) says, take that precious box in your mind, full of all those really useless questions and LOB IT IN A RIVER. Don’t let that box resurface. We’re not Jumangi. Just don’t even think about it. At all. EVER.

Yes, there probably are some things you could develop. I.e infidelity, insecurity issues etc etc. You’ll know what those things are. You don’t need to stew over it. But most of the real reasons why you’ve been D’d will be things like; you laugh too much when you’re drunk, or you don’t eat enough vegetables, or you like soft boiled eggs, or you call every day, or you reply to their texts as soon as you see them. Most of the reasons will be things you like about yourself and let me remind you of this…all of those things will be what your friends love about you. So just trust me on this one, it’s definitely not you. And really – who gives a fuck, if it is.

3. Cutting it it off doesn’t make you an arsehole

If you’ve ever D’d anyone then you’ll understand me when I say this: D-ing someone is really freaking hard. You’re probably thinking that if someone “really” cared about you then they wouldn’t D you. It’s easy right? Real love equals no D-ing. So when your ex starts throwing around statements like ‘I really want us to be friends’ and ‘I feel so privileged to have met you’, you start mistaking this as ‘can’t fight a love like ours’.

Being the D-er means they’ve put some serious brain time into this decision. But, it’s really likely they care about you, so the highest percentage of how much they agree with D-ing you is a maximum of 70. Which leaves 30% of them running back and forth.

When I broke up with my ex, it was the worst. When I said I wanted us to be friends I genuinely meant it. We hung out, we acted like a couple because that’s all we’d known and eventually started sleeping together again. I reeeeeaaaalllly cared about him. I’d come to the decision of being the D-er and no matter how hard either of us tried, it never shifted. Of course I wanted to stay in touch with him. Look, I’m having my cake AND I’m eating it. No matter how much you might like the person who is D-ing you, the very act of D-ing gives you a right to not like them that much, for now at least.

In the words of Adele to your ex, ‘never mind I’ll find someone LIKE you’. LIKE you. But not ACTUALLY you. Because you D’d me and now YOU suck.  Yes, you might really care about them, *rolls eyes* yes sure they probably felt like your best mate *I’m going blind from this eye roll* but they D’d you. Once someone does that, they’ve thought long and hard about the consequences of doing that. One of those, is them losing favour with ALL of your friends and family and guess what? They still D’d you. The other is, you leaving their life for good and I’m sorry to say it but they still D’d you.

Once someone has come to the decision of D-ing, to avoid that 30% of indecision, cut it off for your own good. And while you’re here, introduce ‘they’ll rue the day…’ into your daily vocabulary.

4. Manage your thoughts

You put the work into feeling nice things about the person who D’d you. It didn’t feel like work because thinking nice things about someone who’s hot and is giving you attention is easy. But you didn’t wake up on day 1 with all these ideas about how awesome your relationship is and how perfect your partner was. It’s been a habit you’ve formed over thousands and thousands of thoughts.

So now, put the work into feeling indifferent to them. It’s really that simple. Every time a nice thought about them pops into your mind, just shoo it away. Your mind is closed for business when it comes to this person. Easy. No? You don’t think so? Well what do you know buddy, you just got D’d by someone you knew inside out. Believe me, it’s easy to think that because you’re super sad about being D’d and because it’s hard to fight these internal thoughts that that’s it. One true love. They were ‘the one’. But it’s okay – a lot of people think the same as you. Regretful thoughts, sad thoughts and all the shoulda would coulda’s are addictive. Srsly, who doesn’t love putting on a bit of Adele and looking out the car window. But deep down inside, you wanna be the person that comes off better in this situation. THAT person, is the person that picks themselves up and moves the eff on with someone who hasn’t D’d you. So introduce a couple of bouncers in your mind and when a pair of nice looking thoughts that happen to look just like your ex come along, you put your hands up and say ‘not tonight lads’.

5. Unfollow them on EVERYTHING.

It’s over. Single tear sad face. Yes you might be doing that dance of ‘we’re friends’, ‘it was a mutual decision’ lalala but social media is the devil and the perfect platform for gloating about how fake happy you are. You can add 2 + 2 and make 5 if you continue to watch their stories and see their posts. Also seeing them watch your stories and lap up your fake happy is just as addictive. ‘Why is he smiling when I’m not there? Who’s that girl with the great abs? Him and his female friend are hanging out all the time, he must have been cheating’. You don’t need to see their face every day via your smart phone so unfollow them. Plus it’s easier to do it straight away rather than 6 months in when they’ve got a new person and you suddenly look really bitter. ‘Oh no I’m fine, it’s just a coincidence that I unfollowed you when all those hot people appeared and you looked really happy. I’m happy for you, really I am.’ Also I urge you to stick to the unfollow. There’s been one boy in particular recently that I kept following and then unfollowing and then following. In the end I had to delete snapchat altogether because I couldn’t be trusted. Don’t be me.

Yes being D’d sucks but it’s totally up to you on how you choose to let the next couple months play out. I look back on the many, many (many) times I’ve been D’d and yes at times I was a bit misbs (miserable). But mainly, I could do whatever the eff I wanted. Welcome to real life and welcome more importantly to Heartbreak Hotel. Cue music – ‘such a lovely place (such a lovely place) such a lovely face’. Now you can relate to people around you and to all those emosh songs. You thought Celine Dion just did that Titanic song? Oh how wrong you are. She did all the emotions – the album ‘Let’s talk about love’ is a personal fave. Take this as an opportunity to have a tonne of lols with the people around you, you don’t need to fake it, just enjoy it. Believe me, you’ll look back at this and think – ‘Are you sure that happened? HA. HA. HA. Really?? I must have been DRUNK. Or on a HIGH dosage of codeine because SRSLY no. Like WOW – no’.





Why the long face?

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If this post had a backing soundtrack it would be: ‘Don’t take it Personal (Just one of Dem Days)’ ‘ by Monica. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this song, it goes something like this: ‘It’s just one of dem dayz, That a girl goes through, When I’m angry inside, Don’t want to take it out on you’ quite a few times in a havon of melodic notes. Actually if you aren’t familiar with this song then educate yourself.

And boy sometimes I do get one of dem dayz, you know…that a girl goes through. I mean the song is a bit cryptic but I imagine it’s like one of dem dayz you wish you hadn’t overindulged on leafy greens. Or you’re not 100% sure you turned your GHD’s off but you’ve walked too far to go back and check. Or maybe more commonly, you’ve come to find you’ve waxed your moustache the wrong way.

If it’s the formers then unfortunately you’re on your own but for those of the latter who have replaced their fuzzy moustache with a rather noticeable scab you’re in luck. Did any of you’s used to read those tween magazines that would offer helpful advice on how to get through one of dem particular dayz? Particular dayz being when you are in dire need of concealing a large percentage of your face. It would be advice along the lines of stuff like; cut yourself a 6 inch fringe, buy a paper Chinese fan, pretend you thought it was Halloween fancy dress and go as one of those bedsheet ghosts. Or my personal fave – get yourself a black eyeliner and turn that troublesome spot(s) into a beauty spot(s) more commonly known as a mole(s). “Er babe, I think there’s something on your face”.

Topshop recently released a ‘freckle pen‘ in which users are invited to pencil on their own freckles under which I’m sure one could hide a whole host of buttery fingered mishaps. One particularly peeved customer commented on how disappointed they were these freckles were easily smudged. Yeah dummy, you’re just putting a bit of pencil on your face. This quickly reminds me that at Bestival my brother, my friend Maddy and I, PVC’d gold leaf to our faces and some wise guy said: ‘Why didn’t you just use Vaseline?’. Well you’re TOO LATE buddy.

So in an attempt to help my fellow (wo)man the next time you’re dealing with a face intervention, I’ve come up with a fool proof tip. It’s much like fringe face, fan face and ghost face but arguably much much better. This is called Long Face – in which you get your longboard, or buy a longboard if you’re not in the know enough to have one already – zzZ – and place it discreetly across your face as exampled by yours truly. If you have a particularly long longboard or are worried that people might catch on that you’re holding your board across your face then simply draw on a smiley mouth roughly around where you think your mouth might be and voilà. If you’re still not convinced then maybe not a smiley mouth, maybe just a regular mouth or WHATEVER I don’t care. You know your normal mouth better than I do.

You’re welcome.

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Photos by Joe Duran