How to – Get Through a Break Up in 5 easy Steps

what do you mean, break up advice, break up tips, funny blog

How to – Get Through a Break Up in 5 easy Steps

Introducing you to Heartbreak Hotel where the drinks are cheap and the men are cheaper.

 

Hello friend. Firstly, my condolences to you. I ASSUME if you are reading this then you have recently been on the receiving end of being d.u.m.p DUMPED. Was capital letters too much? Sorry d.u.m.p – D’d.

Poor you. I feel ya. Being d.u.m.p D’d is a real bummer. I’ll give you a brief moment to wallow in self pity and then I’m going to tell you to start your timer because for the next two days, you’re allowed to do whatever the eff you want. Leave painful voice messages. Lie face down in a variety of cushioned objects. Cry in the ladies toilets. Even better – cry in the MENS toilets (everyone loves an aubergine). Then, once your two days are up, you’ve got to suck it the eff up people.

I’ve been there. I’ve cried on strangers in the toilet. ALOT. I’ve been escorted home. I’ve marched myself in and then immediately out of places I knew I shouldn’t be. I’ve drunk all the drinks. All of them. Every single one. And then after 2 days MAX, I’ve sucked it the eff up. And so should you. And I’ll tell you for why:

Firstly – don’t be that guy that is still in love with their ex 1,2,3,4 years later (and trust me, unless you get a hold of your damn self it will spiral into the years). Lord knows I’ve been that guy before. I’ve made all the mistakes. I’ve taken my market research for you guys very seriously. I look back at my entire time at uni when I was making myself too miserable to notice the amount of D I could of had. So. Many. D’s. I’ve also dated that guy SO MANY TIMES. It’s pathetic. Sorry. I’m saying it. Save me the self indulgence that goes along the lines of ‘you don’t know them the way I know them’ and ‘can’t fight a love like ours’. zzZ. No one can help you if you don’t want to help yourself and truly believing those things is going to give you 1-4 years of going nowhere emotionally. So every time you start thinking those types of thoughts, just tell yourself to shut the eff up and move on. You really think NOONE has a love can’t fight like yours? Really? If this is your first ‘real’ break up…you’ve gotta just take my word for it that you will find someone you like a whole lot more. I’ve done the ground work for ya babes. You’re welcome.

Secondly – I like to think of being d.u.m.p D’d as being let out of prison. All jokes aside about relationships being like a jail sentence ho ho ho, being dumped is like being granted early release whether you’re ready for it or not. Maybe, you really liked prison. Maybe, you made a load of friends and started a small hooch business that really gave you a sense of purpose. Maybe, you got into a solid routine and finally managed to get a hot bod, so when the time came for you to leave, you really weren’t bloody ready for it. HOWEVER, in spite of how much you were enjoying yourself, we all know you’d be a FOOL to hang on to what you had on the inside. Prison doesn’t want you mate. Prison ain’t the place for you. Prison is LAME. So as shit as it might feel starting from scratch again – you’d be a total moron to keep re-offending just so you could stay within your safe little prison.

So step one in ‘How to get through a break up’ is:

 

  1. Assign yourself a break-up buddy.

I’d like to point out that this person ain’t gonna be yo slave as such, but this person is going to have to put up with your shit for the next 1-2 months. So, your friendship has to be pretty tight because at some points you’re probably going to act like an arsehole. They are also going to have to be someone who’s opinion you respect because, unfortunately for you, you’re assigning them the great task of making your decisions for you whether you like it or not. Pick someone who really has their shit together. No blind leading the blind and all that. I’m serious. You have to listen to their advice and then do as they say even if you don’t feel like it. You were dumb enough to fall for someone who D’d you. So now your opinion counts for nothing. Also, we all know that if given the opportunity to run back into bed with your ex, even when they’re telling you to your FACE that you’re “just friends right?”, that you probably will. You’re a dumb bitch. Hand in your wallet and your phone and strap yourself in for a bumpy ride.

Here, I’d like to introduce  you to my own personal Break Up Buddy otherwise known as – Jess. Otherwise known as – WWJD. Otherwise known as – What Would Jess Do. Otherwise known as – ‘New Number who dis, I can’t even remember your name, this is embarrassing, are you sure we ever slept together?’

how to get through a break up, break up buddy, relationship advice, relationship tips
WWJD standing infront of a selection of self portrait postcards

Has Jess experienced a love like ours? Yes. But when Jess has been D’d she has already gotten her affairs in order, so that by the time those dumb boiz have come running back (and they always do believe me), instead of being like YES of COURSE let’s get back together, she’s like ‘ew I can’t believe we ever dated. Are you sure that happened? HA. HA. HA. Really?? I must have been DRUNK. Or on a HIGH dosage of codeine because SRSLY no. Like WOW – no. But while you’re here I’d like to introduce you to my new babe of a boyfriend’.

Does WWJD moving on so quickly mean the love she feels for someone is less than the one you’re experiencing? Nope. However, there is one thing that Jess loves more than the person she’s dating and that’s herself. WWJD knows who she is. And because Jess knows who she is, she knows what she wants. She also skips over all the self-loathing crap which leads me to my next step.

2. It’s not you, it’s them.

Well, it might be you a bit. Actually, it’s mostly you – a lot. If that’s something that bothers you, rejection and that, then it’s time to get on team you. Everyone faces rejection, even total babes like myself ho ho HOE get D’d. Take all those unhelpful thoughts – Why? What did I do? What didn’t I do? Is it me? Am I too this or too that? etc etc. Gather those pesky little thoughts and put them into a tiny little box in your mind. Then, as my beautiful friend Jo (sister to WWJD) says, take that precious box in your mind, full of all those really useless questions and LOB IT IN A RIVER. Don’t let that box resurface. We’re not Jumangi. Just don’t even think about it. At all. EVER.

Yes, there probably are some things you could develop. I.e infidelity, insecurity issues etc etc. You’ll know what those things are. You don’t need to stew over it. But most of the real reasons why you’ve been D’d will be things like; you laugh too much when you’re drunk, or you don’t eat enough vegetables, or you like soft boiled eggs, or you call every day, or you reply to their texts as soon as you see them. Most of the reasons will be things you like about yourself and let me remind you of this…all of those things will be what your friends love about you. So just trust me on this one, it’s definitely not you. And really – who gives a fuck, if it is.

3. Cutting it it off doesn’t make you an arsehole

If you’ve ever D’d anyone then you’ll understand me when I say this: D-ing someone is really freaking hard. You’re probably thinking that if someone “really” cared about you then they wouldn’t D you. It’s easy right? Real love equals no D-ing. So when your ex starts throwing around statements like ‘I really want us to be friends’ and ‘I feel so privileged to have met you’, you start mistaking this as ‘can’t fight a love like ours’.

Being the D-er means they’ve put some serious brain time into this decision. But, it’s really likely they care about you, so the highest percentage of how much they agree with D-ing you is a maximum of 70. Which leaves 30% of them running back and forth.

When I broke up with my ex, it was the worst. When I said I wanted us to be friends I genuinely meant it. We hung out, we acted like a couple because that’s all we’d known and eventually started sleeping together again. I reeeeeaaaalllly cared about him. I’d come to the decision of being the D-er and no matter how hard either of us tried, it never shifted. Of course I wanted to stay in touch with him. Look, I’m having my cake AND I’m eating it. No matter how much you might like the person who is D-ing you, the very act of D-ing gives you a right to not like them that much, for now at least.

In the words of Adele to your ex, ‘never mind I’ll find someone LIKE you’. LIKE you. But not ACTUALLY you. Because you D’d me and now YOU suck.  Yes, you might really care about them, *rolls eyes* yes sure they probably felt like your best mate *I’m going blind from this eye roll* but they D’d you. Once someone does that, they’ve thought long and hard about the consequences of doing that. One of those, is them losing favour with ALL of your friends and family and guess what? They still D’d you. The other is, you leaving their life for good and I’m sorry to say it but they still D’d you.

Once someone has come to the decision of D-ing, to avoid that 30% of indecision, cut it off for your own good. And while you’re here, introduce ‘they’ll rue the day…’ into your daily vocabulary.

4. Manage your thoughts

You put the work into feeling nice things about the person who D’d you. It didn’t feel like work because thinking nice things about someone who’s hot and is giving you attention is easy. But you didn’t wake up on day 1 with all these ideas about how awesome your relationship is and how perfect your partner was. It’s been a habit you’ve formed over thousands and thousands of thoughts.

So now, put the work into feeling indifferent to them. It’s really that simple. Every time a nice thought about them pops into your mind, just shoo it away. Your mind is closed for business when it comes to this person. Easy. No? You don’t think so? Well what do you know buddy, you just got D’d by someone you knew inside out. Believe me, it’s easy to think that because you’re super sad about being D’d and because it’s hard to fight these internal thoughts that that’s it. One true love. They were ‘the one’. But it’s okay – a lot of people think the same as you. Regretful thoughts, sad thoughts and all the shoulda would coulda’s are addictive. Srsly, who doesn’t love putting on a bit of Adele and looking out the car window. But deep down inside, you wanna be the person that comes off better in this situation. THAT person, is the person that picks themselves up and moves the eff on with someone who hasn’t D’d you. So introduce a couple of bouncers in your mind and when a pair of nice looking thoughts that happen to look just like your ex come along, you put your hands up and say ‘not tonight lads’.

5. Unfollow them on EVERYTHING.

It’s over. Single tear sad face. Yes you might be doing that dance of ‘we’re friends’, ‘it was a mutual decision’ lalala but social media is the devil and the perfect platform for gloating about how fake happy you are. You can add 2 + 2 and make 5 if you continue to watch their stories and see their posts. Also seeing them watch your stories and lap up your fake happy is just as addictive. ‘Why is he smiling when I’m not there? Who’s that girl with the great abs? Him and his female friend are hanging out all the time, he must have been cheating’. You don’t need to see their face every day via your smart phone so unfollow them. Plus it’s easier to do it straight away rather than 6 months in when they’ve got a new person and you suddenly look really bitter. ‘Oh no I’m fine, it’s just a coincidence that I unfollowed you when all those hot people appeared and you looked really happy. I’m happy for you, really I am.’ Also I urge you to stick to the unfollow. There’s been one boy in particular recently that I kept following and then unfollowing and then following. In the end I had to delete snapchat altogether because I couldn’t be trusted. Don’t be me.

Yes being D’d sucks but it’s totally up to you on how you choose to let the next couple months play out. I look back on the many, many (many) times I’ve been D’d and yes at times I was a bit misbs (miserable). But mainly, I could do whatever the eff I wanted. Welcome to real life and welcome more importantly to Heartbreak Hotel. Cue music – ‘such a lovely place (such a lovely place) such a lovely face’. Now you can relate to people around you and to all those emosh songs. You thought Celine Dion just did that Titanic song? Oh how wrong you are. She did all the emotions – the album ‘Let’s talk about love’ is a personal fave. Take this as an opportunity to have a tonne of lols with the people around you, you don’t need to fake it, just enjoy it. Believe me, you’ll look back at this and think – ‘Are you sure that happened? HA. HA. HA. Really?? I must have been DRUNK. Or on a HIGH dosage of codeine because SRSLY no. Like WOW – no’.

 

 

 

Verified Looker

tinder, dating tips, online dating.

Thursday Morning: a photo message pops up on my phone. It’s a screenshot of my tinder profile. He’s found me. Finally. Now, we can move to stage 2 where we skip the dating facade, we know each other so well already.  Why date when we can just marry and spawn our offspring? Dating’s for chumps. We can be that couple that minces around and says things like: ‘when you know, you just know, you know?’ or ‘it was love at first sight’. Except maybe not first sight because I’ve hung out with him a couple times. Okay, a few more times than a couple times. Fine, if I’m totally honest he’s a mate that I’ve hung out with constantly for the past 2 years. But I can’t speak for him, he probably did fall in love with me at first sight. Who hasn’t?

First things first – first I need to find him back and see if he leftied or rightied. He rightied. Obviously. Why did I even think that he might of leftied? He’s not MAD. Time to cruise his photos…hang on a minute there’s a bio. A bio?? Do people write a bio on Tinder? Shit, I don’t have a bio. All mine says is ‘you’re punching’. That’s not a bio – that’s just me, stating a fact.

He’s training for tough mudder. I beg your pardon? He enjoys reading. Do podcasts count? Ran a skatepark in New York. Yeah like 10 years ago.

I take a look at my own profile. Me at Glastonbury with Hot Jo. I never learn. Me, smiling in a flat in Berlin, strategically placed to show that I have teeth. Me, longboarding outside my old flat in 2011 to show that I sort of longboard. Me, walking into the sea in 2000 and? Fuck. This decade, at least. I would have been 13 in 2000. I wouldn’t of put anything up pre 16 years old. WOULD I? I guess I did have a thigh gap then…

A whatsapp message pops up – ‘Send me a selfie’ a different guy from Tinder messaged. Weird I thought. I’m not doing anything saucy. NOT THAT I WOULD HAVE SENT A PHOTO HAD I BEEN. ‘Go on my Instagram’ I replied. Or back onto my Tinder. Or look at my profile picture on this whatsapp conversation. Or go on my linkedin. Or look me up on facebook. Or google me. You get the point. No. Not good enough he implied. ‘Send a selfie’ he repeated. Ergh. ‘I don’t’, you know, ‘do selfies’ I said.

I do. You can find one here, and here, and here. I could go on. All from Instagram because Instagram means filters. He’s on to me. ‘Those photos don’t count’. I’m semi-offended but mainly already tired of this conversation.

Online dating is ruining dating. Isn’t love blind? ‘Nope’ – online dating tells me. In the 21st century, love is not blind. In the 21st Century,modern medicine came along and restored love to 20 20 vision and as a leaving treat, instead of a sticker that said ‘Great Work’ or ‘Mr Chapman says Well Done’, it’s supplied it with x-ray goggles so it. Can. See. Everything. Another photo message pops up from the tinder guy. It’s a screenshot of me doing a selfie with my Mum on the beach in Brighton, 86 WEEKS AGO. Woah. Maybe he just really likes me. Well, not actually me, the look of me.

You see, Online dating may see everything, but does it really know anything? So my friend may never do a tough mudder but how about that time he surprised me with a flat white when I was flagging. Or the multiple pep talks he gave me when I was feeling pretty low. Details which he’s missed out of his profile because details like that seem un-noteworthy amongst the thousands of online profiles.

‘We need to invent Tinder Verification’, I told my friend. Whereby we drive over to your house without your knowing and judge via binoculars whether you look like your Tinder profile. If you do, you can have a little blue tick next to your name like those celebs on twitter. ‘It’ll be super romantic’.

Pay-neful Dates

first dates, dating tips, tinder

Q. Who run the world?

A. Girls and that.

Says Beyonce. And who am I to disagree?

If I had to pick a sequence of moves to describe my life it would be the single ladies dance. Especially the rotating ring(less) hand moment followed quickly by the diagonal up and down arm pumps. I’ll ask a guy out, I’ll happily and have been known to be the one to lunge in for the kiss. I’m all over 50/50 and equality and burning my bra (metaphorically of course). I’m all over all of that, EXCEPT may I add, when it comes to paying for first dates.

A bold statement, I know, but hear me out:

I was asked out on a first date not so long ago where, as I was ordering my drink at the bar, I offered to buy his. Everything in order so far. Then, as I was ordering his drink we decided to get food (see where this is going?) The Bar lady, as it had started as a single order had then added his drink to my drink, my food to his food. As he pulls a mere tenner out of his pocket (bearing in mind, we’re in London and ten quid barely gets you the air you breathe) simply to save face, I offer to put it on my card and suggest he gets the drinks for the rest of the night. Cue GCSE mental arithmetic maths. Here, I begin to calculate how long I now have to stay in order to get my “fair share”:

[Jack and Jill have agreed to meet for ‘a drink’. Both have agreed to pay for 50% of the total bill. If Jill has ordered a vodka (fresh) lime and soda at £4.30, accidentally paid for his entire meal £15, beer £5.20, listened to Jack harp on about mainly himself  and, in preparation for the evening, bought a new top at £39.99 and used 5% of her entire cosmetic collection priced at £UNKNOWN, how many drinks does Jack need to buy to not be written off as a tight prick.]

I wasn’t really sure what angle to approach this. The on the fence debate like ‘it’s the 21st century now ladies – zzZ – Okay you get this round I’ll get the next, it’s only fair’. Let’s set the scene a little – here comes the end of the date moment and if you’re out having dinner/drinks/coffee, or you’ve set up a tab and you’re sitting there giving it all the puppy eyes slowly reaching for your purse waiting for him to offer…still…waiting….no? …STILL no? If we’re all banging on about equality now, if a lot of us are all earning the same amount of money (apparently)….are first dates really 50/50?

 

Ladies, ask your first date this:

 

Did you shave/wax/epilate your legs in prep for this evening? If not the entire leg, then maybe the parts that people can see?  If not the parts people can see, did you cross eye squint at your legs to see if you could get away with it and decided yes? And if not yes, then committed to not standing still for more than 2 seconds so as to create the illusion of a darker shade of skin tone but fuzz free legs?

Did you apply any sort of cosmetic chemical to your face to enhance it to the standard our society has sold to us as ‘acceptable’? And if not to the standard of “acceptable” then continued to layer upon layer until you didn’t know where your real face ended and longface began?

Did you purchase a new item of clothing for the evening or oil painted your proposed outfit on to your to do list at work or send 2-12 photo messages to a group whatsapp captioned: I’ve got nothing to wear, for realz?

Did you travel 5 – 10 – 20k to the evening? Did the evening happen to be much closer to your flat than mine?

Did you wonder how many dates you needed to go on to assert your authority as a strong, independent woman who “deserves” to be text/called the next day, which society tells us is down to how long you can “hold out” because women don’t have a libido right?

Did you have plans to do something else that you re-arranged to attend the evening i.e gymnastics classes / an introduction to your new ice cream maker / zumba all otherwise known as – on demand tv?

Did you organise 10+ people to create a high five line as you ran out of the office en-route to our date?

No?

Then pay for the effing drinks.

 

 

First Dates – Act 1

how to first date, first dates tips, dating, online datingBehind every first date, there’s a string of well rehearsed questions. Especially today with online dating etc etc the first date is an attempt to build some background or history with someone you don’t know from Adam. Really, or as I’ve discovered from my own experience, you don’t even know if the person you’re meeting is actually even single. Mind. Blown. This reminds me of one of the first questions I asked Frenchy shortly after we decided to travel on together that I thought we should clear up immediately: “are you going to rob me?”. However, there is a simple algorithm to successfully getting through a first date and generally it’s repeating answers to questions in which you sell yourself to a complete stranger and try to sound as if it’s the first time you’ve given the answer you’re about to give.

The theory is, if the date gets awkward at any point, it’s most likely to be a no go-er. But, given the circumstances of today, the odds of a moment of silence are unfortunately against you. In either case, sometimes it’s best to be prepared to plough through the next 4 hours with a back-up of context than do the old emergency call/sudden menzies/sudden allergic reaction to cotton/sudden pregnancy and so on and so forth.

Really you haven’t been on a first date until you’ve answered the following questions:

Where do you work/What do you do for fun/How long have you been on Tinder ultimately leading to my personal favourite – So why are you single?

Scene 1: Cue rehearsed ‘interested face’ with moments of ‘impressed face’ whilst you listen to something along these lines: He probably works at some digital marketing agency. Also known as PPC. Also known as Pay per Click. Also known as Google Ads. Also known as zzZ.

Scene 2: “For fun? Oh so much”. Whilst you reel off a list of things that look suspiciously like the most recent e-newsletter from the nudge.

Scene 3: “Not long”. Something about doing it for “jokes” and having only been on 0-1 dates. (10+)

And then the finale – Scene 4: The poker face whilst you respond with something like this – Oh I travel so much with my job (pizza) and it’s also a really small team so I don’t get to meet many people (pizza) and at weekends I’m just SO busy catching up with my friends (I just effing love pizza). End Scene.

Real answer: I’m single because I haven’t met anyone who can stand being in my company for more than 3 dates. IF that. And trust me, I’m as stumped about that as you are.

If you successfully get through this initiation then usually you exchange anecdotes about some awwwwwwful dates you’ve been on and drink so much you forget what you both said in scene 1-4 and spend the entire next day trying to work out what exactly happened in scene 5 and if you’ll have a leading or supporting part in Act 2.

So, to help you through your first date(s) should you find yourself a little stuck, here are my top 2 prepared questions that will see you through the first part of an awkward moment:

 

1) So are you Single?

2) Are you gonna eat that?

 

Oh no wait sorry,  first things first. Let me start again:

 

1) Are you gonna eat that?

2) Are you actually Single?